On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize