Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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