I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
