Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
