so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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