Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
