from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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