she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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