He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
