if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
