my vag is so smooth its legendary
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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