D3 body, D1 cock
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
did i just pee glitter
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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