Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
