she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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