eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
