Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
