I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
