'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize