I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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