So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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