Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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