I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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