mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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