Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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