My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
