I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
