Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
