I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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