god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
