he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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