Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
