Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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