If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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