You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
