you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
