just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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