I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize