I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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