every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize