Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
