It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
