Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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