Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All the doctor said was why
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
