Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
