She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
BRING THE BAGELS
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize