dude i'm inner monologue high
can u get pink eye on your cock?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize