My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
