Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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