I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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