On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize