weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
