Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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