She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
