She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think people are normalizing furries
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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