Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
They are going to name an STD after you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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