Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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