Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
