i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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